Part IV: Correspondence with Champaklal
Write to Punamchand that now that Vithaldas has seen the Mother, he should communicate his experience or his difficulties direct to her. It is not desirable that in matters of the Sadhana Punamchand or anybody else should come in between, even as a channel of communication. The Mother’s force must go direct undisturbed by any other influences.
As regards the Vedic “Dictionary” write to Punamchand that I do not want anything of this kind to be made out of my unfinished work. If it is to be done, it will be in the future and must be only under my express directions and supervision.
Most Respectful Father,
Yesterday, at 4 o’clock in the morning, when Mother opened the door for me to enter and I looked at her, I felt that she was displeased with me. Again, when I went for Darshan and did my pranams, I felt the same. It affected me badly. I tried to find the reason for her displeasure but failed. Could you please tell me the reason? This morning, when Mother opened the door and I looked at her, she did not even look at me. I was disturbed. When I came to offer my pranams at your feet at Darshan time, you showered your Grace on me by putting your hands on my head again and again. I was full of joy and felt your abounding compassion. But I could not maintain this condition for long only because the thought of Mother’s displeasure was troubling me too much.
There was absolutely not the slightest feeling of displeasure, disapproval or any kindred feeling towards you in the mind of the Mother on these occasions. You must be on your guard against these suggestions, for they easily rise, if accepted, with the object of clouding the consciousness. Sometimes it may be the Mother has to be serious or concentrated, not to spread herself outwards as usual, either because there has been a great strain and she is tired or because of some attack in the general atmosphere. It is possibly on such occasions that the sadhaks take her seriousness or inwardness as personal displeasure towards them, but this is a great mistake. You must learn to reject these impressions altogether when they come.
Champaklal, from today you will sweep Sri Aurobindo’s room at about 2.30 p.m., as Haradhan will remain in his room for rest.
I don’t feel Mother’s Grace as before. Sometimes I get suggestions of going from here; I also get suggestions that I am not fit for Mother’s service and for yoga.
What is all this nonsense? The grace of the Mother does not withdraw; open yourself and you will feel it.
Since one month Kamala is telling me, “Mother is not putting her hand on my head. She is neither smiling nor looking at me. How can one stay here in this condition? I wonder if she wants me to go back to Gujarat.” The whole day she is crying in sorrow. When I asked her to write to Mother, she said, “When I write to Mother, she smiles for a few days and then it is the same. I do not want that she smiles only when I write to her; if she smiles of her own I feel more joy.” If for some reason Mother is displeased with Kamala, please, let us know.
There is absolutely no reason why Mother should be displeased with Kamala. She is not at all displeased with her and she has no wish at all that she should go to Gujarat; she wants her to be here; for here is her true home.
Mother is not at all refraining from smiling at Kamala or doing it by force; she is doing with her just as she has always done. It must be that Kamala has got into some state of sensitiveness in which she is misinterpreting Mother’s looks and action – for Mother intends to be and has been very kind with her. This sometimes happens. So you must tell her to put these ideas out of her head and be calm and happy within and open herself to the Mother – then she will find that Mother is always close to her and she to the Mother and these ideas will cease to trouble her altogether.
N wanted to inform the police regarding some matter of the Ashram. Is it good to inform the police?
Such things ought not to happen here; but they do because of the vital ego of the sadhaks which makes them the instruments of wrong forces.
It is said that N is an advanced sadhak. Is his action appropriate? What is the reason behind all these happenings?
The Mother never speaks of advanced sadhaks – it is the sadhaks themselves who have invented the phrase. Whenever they used it in their letters to me, I have thrown ridicule on the phrase and said I have no knowledge of there being two classes in the Ashram, one of advanced sadhaks and the other of non-advanced sadhaks. So the question about N does not arise. If a sadhak whoever he may be, speaks or acts out of anger, rajasic violence or any other unyogic impulse, his speech or action is contrary to the spirit of the sadhana.
I felt some improvement in the leg but the pain has not gone completely. Generally Ramchandra’s medicines are effective, but not in my case. Why it is so?
I have heard that he is a wonderful medium. You have worked through him the case of ordinary people, why not in me? Does that mean that they were more open to Your force than I was? Kindly explain.
R is a remarkable medium, but he is more successful with people outside than with the sadhaks – (not that he has not succeeded with many of them also). For this there are two reasons. People outside are impressed by his apparently miraculous cures and believe implicitly and follow his treatment – the sadhaks question and dispute it; this mental opposition has a reaction upon the result of the treatment (e.g. R told me there had been a great improvement in X’s illness. X denied that there had been any visible or undoubted improvement, yet today Dr. Manilal told the Mother that he was amazed by the improvement, he had not thought such a thing possible, but now he knew because he had seen it.) The other reason is that sadhaks ought not to need an intermediary between themselves and the Mother – their bodies as well as their minds ought by this time to have become sufficiently receptive for that – outside people do need a medium, for they cannot be expected to have the same receptivity.
I cannot understand whether I am doing yoga or not. Can it be said that I am doing your integral yoga?
Everyone who is turned to the Mother is doing my Yoga. It is a great mistake to suppose that one can “do” the Purna Yoga, i.e. carry out and fulfil all the sides of the Yoga by one’s own effort. No human being can do that. What one has to do is to put oneself in the Mother’s hands and open oneself to her by service, by bhakti, by aspiration; then the Mother by her light and force works in him so that the sadhana is done. It is a mistake also to have the ambition to be a big Purna Yogi or a supramental being and ask oneself how far have I got towards that. The right attitude is to be devoted and given to the Mother and to wish to be whatever she wants you to be. The rest is for the Mother to decide and do in you.
At one time it was impossible to think of leaving the Mother or going out of this place. Nowadays thoughts of visiting my father keep recurring. What is the reason?
It is one of the suggestions of the external physical consciousness that are filling the atmosphere just now. I explain that to you in the answers below.
For quite some time now, at nights, I get strange dreams. I forget my way, come across many obstacles, but ultimately I would find my way by the Mother’s Grace and also feel Her Protection. Earlier, I did not get such dreams at all. I used to fly straight. Why am I getting such dreams nowadays?
You used to have dreams on the vital plane also long ago in which you passed through dangerous forests and wildernesses amid parts of land and water and wild beasts etc., but you reached safely under the Mother’s protection where you were going. I remember you were writing some to me. Also there have been dreams of difficult passages ending in the arrival on the true open way. Only these dreams you are having now indicate the difficulty of the passage through the physical (and no longer through the vital) consciousness – but the common element is that you are under the Mother’s protection and reach the way at the end.
This is quite natural because what everybody is passing through now are the difficulties of the physical and subconscient nature; but the Mother’s protection is the same here as in the past stages of the sadhana.
Long back, Mother told me, “Give me your promise that you will never express the desire to leave the Ashram. Sri Aurobindo was not pleased with your letter.” But what could I tell her except, “You know the reason very well.” Then Mother said, “Yes, but you must speak. If you do not say it how can I help you?” I felt that all these things were inside me only. But I cannot express it, because I know my sadhana in life is to serve only the Divine. I pray to Mother, to please explain to me from where all these things came into my mind.
What Mother said she knew about the reasons is simply what I have written, nothing else.
I am happy to write to you that I find a change has come over me after writing to you. Is it true or I am imagining it?
It is true. Whenever you are open to the Mother or turn to her with confidence in your difficulties, if there come any, you will feel the same. It is your true being that comes up – that part which admits these wrong suggestions is something quite external.
I heard that today morning R did not come for Pranam and also did not meet Mother after Pranam, as he usually does. In the afternoon, when I was coming upstairs at 3.00 o’clock I saw R in P’s room. They were chatting and laughing as usual. After some time he came out and started joking with me. I asked him why he had not come for Pranam in the morning. His face fell; I could not understand why he became so serious on hearing Mother’s name. Also, I have often seen that he was quite cheerful just before coming for Pranam, but when he came in from of Mother he looked sorrowful and displeased. What was the reason?
R is doing like many others – they are cheerful outside, but sorrowful or displeased or suffering when they come to the Mother or write to her. There is a sort of idea (which was long current in the Ashram) and there is still a feeling in the vital that the more you do that with the Mother the more you would get out of her. Of course it is absurdly untrue – the truth is the opposite; the more one is cheerfully open to her and lives in the light and gladness, the more one is likely to receive.
In our tradition Garuda [eagle] is the vehicle of Lord Krishna. Is it real or only symbolic?
It is symbolic.
What is the significance of Garuda?
Day before yesterday a garuda came here and died in the night. Is there any occult meaning in it?
It probably came only to die in peace and enter into the Light to which it was attracted, being itself a symbol of Light.
Will this garuda benefit by dying in the Ashram?
Mother took special care of it and gave it the best death possible.
We hear that Mother saw it from Pavitra’s terrace. Was it not fortunate? And will it therefore get the benefit in its next birth?
In the calm sea, on the horizon, I saw a fire whose flames gradually reached the sky.
The calm sea is the quiet vital, the flames are the aspiration rising to the higher consciousness to bring it down; on the horizon means this is the development before you to which you have to move.
Night before last in a dream I quarrelled with Mother and left her; I lost my faith in her. This aggrieved me a lot and I remained depressed. In another dream I was carrying the big key – to the upstairs door of Mother’s house – which was given to me by her. Suddenly, it disappeared from my hands. I searched a lot for it to go up there, but in vain. I got panicky and depressed. What does this mean?
It is probably one part of your being that revolted in dream; it was moved by wrong forces.
Both the dreams are warnings to be careful against hostile suggestions (first dream) or interferences (second dream).
What is the meaning of this blue lotus?
It can be taken as the (Avatar) incarnation on the mental plane.
I keep the book The Mother under my pillow at night, and I feel I benefit more than by reading the book. I am helped even during the night. I have not read this book completely, but by keeping it with me like this, I benefit a lot. I benefited because of my faith or because of the book?
It is something in your mind that gives the effectiveness of which you speak to the book. If it were a manuscript copy, then it might have a power purely of its own because something of the writer would be there; but a printed book can only be a support for the action of your mind which uses it as a means for receiving and fixing there your thought of the Mother and the nearness of her protecting influence.
Can we get knowledge without reading? I feel that there is no need of reading for my spiritual progress. Am I right?
There is no need of reading; knowledge can come without it. You may have read the Mother’s answer to Motiben in which she speaks of work as sadhana.
Mother, I am really attached to my family a lot and especially to my father. Would you please write down for me whatever you said this morning because it has helped me a lot. Though I am not fit to be your child but by Thy Grace all is possible. Thy Grace is my Mantra. I want to be your faithful child and nothing else. May all the parts of my being be yours.
Take advantage of the circumstances to get rid of all attachment to the members of your family.
You must learn that you have no more brothers, sister, father, mother, except Sri Aurobindo and myself, and you must feel free and unconcerned whatever happens to them. We are your whole family, your protection, your all in all.
I am waiting for the day when I will say very proudly that I am your faithful child and I want nothing but you; all the parts of the being will ask only for you; nothing will remain mine; everything will become yours.
Yes, this will be one day.
You have progressed much in many ways – but there are always in everybody some things in the more external being that resist obstinately until that is clear. They are small things and a small part of the nature. You need not be discouraged by their persistence. They will go in the end by observation and vigilance with regard to….1]
Yes, you are becoming more conscious; but don’t make jokes like that about these things, for people don’t understand them and get wrong notions about you and about the whole matter.
Mother gave me the following extract from her Prayers in April 1930:
12 December 1914
O divin Maitre, avec quel ardent amour je suis Ton serviteur!…
After writing, she explained to me in English what was written in French:
“O divine Master, with what ardent love I am Thy Serviteur!”
The offering of your physical being will perfect your skill in works.
Your skill in works will make perfect your physical offering.
Am I open to the Mother or not? I feel at times all my parts are not open to the Mother, I pray for complete openness to her.
No, you are quite open; the Mother is very pleased with your progress. Of course, there are things that are not perfect, but that will come of itself little by little.
Mother, Nolini informed me that Mother will see me on the 13th. I see that Mother is always so busy. What Mother wants to give, she can give even without seeing. Instead of giving me time on the 13th, Mother may utilise the few minutes for other important work.
I have kept some time to play (music) for you (at 11 a.m.) and I will do it.
To Champaklal For 1932
Peaceful confidence in the mind, cheerful devotion in the heart, firm resolution in the vital, quiet energy in the body.
Today you asked me to place three tumblers in the cupboard but I told you that I would place them in the Stores. Was it not disobedience?
Not disobedience, but perhaps want of knowledge.
If your mind had accepted what the Mother said without question, things would have gone all right. But since there was an apprehension in the mind, it might have fulfilled itself – so it was better to express it.
A part of me wants to be ascetic as I was before coming here. Another part wants to have nice aesthetic things. I am unable to decide. Pray, enlighten me on this.
You must be prepared to live in either condition, attached neither to luxury nor to asceticism. It is good to be able to live with very few things but you must also be able to live with nice and decent things and make right use of them. Never mind your true need, live with whatever the Mother has given you.
Mother, I require one small plank to keep it under the commode to wash it.
You ask Chandulal or you can take the side of a box.
I pray to Mother if possible to give me a copy of her Prières et Meditations.
A rule has been made that the book is to be given only to those who know French or are studying French. The Mother cannot make an exception for you, for then she would have to make an exception for everybody.
However, the book was given to me later though I did not know French even then. The inscription read:
No. 5 à Champaklal
I was surprised to find the number 5 written on it. By this I understood that she had numbered my copy and kept it for me. In those days Mother used to give certain numbers to sadhaks; they had an occult significance. My number was 5. – Champaklal.
At times I lie unintentionally. What I say does not represent the fact completely. I get disturbed. What is the wrong element in me?
It is only a want of habit of control over the centre of expression.
I want to know how far man is responsible for his own death and for the death of the objects he uses or comes into contact with.
It is a law of transformation that works, but it is an inertia in the body that makes it work out in that way – resulting in death or destruction of the form.
G does not come for pranam in the morning. Is this a higher state in his sadhana? If he does not go out of his house one can understand but I see him going about with others as usual.
How to abstain from Pranam can be the sign of a “higher state of sadhana”?
It is simply a fancy of his mental and vital pride.
I pray to Mother for permission to go to market between 3 and 4 p.m. to look for a suitable mat or carpet for Sri Aurobindo’s room.
It is your time of sleep. We can use the new roll that is here.
There is a cavity in my left upper molar tooth, which has become bigger than before. There is occasional bleeding from the gums surrounding the tooth cavity. I pray Mother to let me know whether it is necessary for me to consult a dentist.
You can get the tooth filled, but do not let him pull teeth out.
Sometimes, while working or preparing juice or while walking I see scenes (visions) with open eyes – beautiful gardens, orchards, rivers, mountains, cities, forests, birds, beautiful sceneries and different types of idols. Some of the visions are clear, some are not. Some are related and meaningful, while some are totally meaningless and irrelevant. Some I remember and some I forget immediately. At times, they go on like a cinema, but most of them become blurred and are forgotten. Are visions helpful in sadhana in any way? And if yes, then how?
Does my previous dream about travel have any meaning?
The particular things seen may be of no importance, but the power of seeing is of importance and can be of great help in the Yoga. It enables you to see things belonging to other planes (other than the physical) and get knowledge that is useful for sadhana – also to have concrete contact with the Mother in those planes (mental, vital, psychic worlds) etc.
I shall tell you about your long dream afterwards.
Mother, I wrote a letter to Sri Aurobindo [regarding my afternoon rest]. He replied, “She does not insist.” I misunderstood its meaning and stopped taking rest and started drawing and painting flowers during resting time. But now that I have understood my mistake I beg your pardon. I do not want to displease you in any way. My only aim in life is to be what you want me to be. “Knowingly or unknowingly may I never do anything against Thy will” is my prayer, my sadhana, and my mantra.
Of course you ought to have rested in the afternoon as the Mother had told, as a matter of obedience. But if you had remained quiet all the time, it would not have mattered so much. What is doing harm is your mixing too much with M and S; it is lowering your atmosphere and harming your progress.
I saw a long and big key, with the word MOTHER in big letters in white colour above it. All around there was light. Is there any meaning in this?
Is it a key you saw? If so the meaning is clear; it is the key to the Divine realisation; the Mother is the key because it is her light (white is her colour) that enables us to open the gate of realisation.
Yesterday while resting between 2.30 and 3.30 p.m. I saw a dream. My father came here on a visit. I showed him around and he was quite satisfied. It reminded me of what Sri Aurobindo had once said: “Champaklal’s father will have to come to the Ashram once.” I felt that it had come true…. I took my father to the terrace. From there we started walking… ultimately we came down, where we saw a big lake. It was deep and the water was mossy and dirty. Motiben was swimming in it. I asked her, “Do you come here every day for bathing?” Motiben said, “Yes, I come here every day for bathing and swimming.” I told my father, “Since years I am staying here, but I have never bathed in this water.” My father was surprised to hear this. Afterwards we started slowly climbing the steps beside the lake. Suddenly my father’s foot hit a stone on the way. He said, “I am not much injured, I have come out of the crisis, but you have to face it.” I looked down suddenly and saw a strange looking person at the bottom of the steps staring up at me. He had a huge body and a face of a very strange colour. I felt that he was the biggest hostile force of the vital world but I was not afraid. I felt like killing him and said, “I will kill you.” He started laughing at my poor strength and inability to kill him. I did not bother about it and fought with him and tried to throw him out. Our fight went on for a long time. I was on the verge of killing him when Rajangam called me as it was time for me to wake up. I woke up before I could kill him but still felt a joy as if I had actually won. It surprised me how I could fight with such a huge and ferocious being who could frighten anyone.
Does it indicate a future difficulty I have to pass through?
These things are not usually prophesies of the future; it was an attack on the vital plane which you were strong enough to repulse.
During meditations I find that my head and trunk bend down again and again. I am conscious but I cannot help it. Should I stop coming for meditations?
It does not matter.
You must not stop coming to meditation.
I have learnt that Mother does not like people coming for Pranam without taking their bath. Is that true?
No. People say all sorts of nonsense.
Shall I write Sri Aurobindo’s reply to the postcard received by me today as from me or as from Sri Aurobindo?
Write as from yourself – as what you know about the conditions of the Darshan.
I have done this picture without anybody’s help. How is it? Will I be able to learn?
To learn means months and months of study before any picture can be done; studies from nature, drawing first for a long time, painting only after.
If you are ready to study hard and regularly, then you can begin, otherwise it is better not to try.
At times I feel that I have lost the devotion which I had when I first came to you. At times I feel that the devotion is not lost but has become more steady and quiet. What is the fact?
No, you have not lost your devotion; it may have lost some effervescence, but not its intensity.
Though I have stopped putting on the sacred thread, I use it whenever my mother is likely to see me. For I do not want her to feel sorry on this account. Naturally this is only a pretence. Does this hinder my true spiritual progress?
It may not hinder your progress but what about the spiritual progress of your mother? However, since she is going it is not worthwhile changing at the last moment.
Tea was given to N on 24.2.33. This morning he came at 9.10 and asked for more tea. He wants it before noon. He said to me that he has taken permission from Mother. Shall I give it to him or not?
He asked for the tea but I did not send my sanction I had told him to write a letter to Sri Aurobindo and he has not yet done it. As soon as he sends his letter, he will get his tea.
Today one big calamity has happened. The watch chain which Mother gave me is lost. But the watch is there. Why did I lose it? What meaning can it have?
How did you “lose” it if the watch is still there? Is it not possible that it is merely mislaid somewhere?
By the Grace of the Mother I got back the chain which I lost yesterday. It was lying on the footpath.
After arranging Sri Aurobindo’s bed I do pranam to the bed. At that time I imagine making pranam to Mother and Sri Aurobindo and I feel myself at his lotus feet and receive his blessings. Is this entirely imagination?
It is true; because you do it with the inner being and subtle body and the exterior consciousness shares the experience.
For the last few days I have not been able to draw flowers, due to some obstacle or the other. Does it mean that Mother does not wish me to draw them?
No, Mother had no such idea. Obstacles coming in the way do not mean that she does not want. You have to get free from the obstacles.
[Regarding Pranam, in which the Mother blessed the sadhaks through her eyes and by placing her hand upon their heads.]
No, only sometimes she does not press with the whole hand.
It depends on different things with different sadhaks. But most often it depends more on the Mother’s own condition; if she is very much absorbed, she may not press the full hand.
The answer is the same as for the hand. Sometimes the Mother is looking at the sadhak inside and very absorbed in her work. Then she may not smile even though the sadhak is in a very good condition.
One part of me wants to give up the drawing of flowers because it finds it difficult; another part does not want to give up. Which is which?
It is different parts of the mental and vital physical.
What should I do?
Continue, but without worrying. Let it come spontaneously.
How to learn to give shade and light?
Try and Mother will show you on the drawing. At first try not in colours but in pencil or ink (black and white).
Today I tried these roses but could not succeed.
The shading is good; they are very well done.
What is discipline and how does it apply here in our yoga?
It is not the discipline of yoga but the discipline of an organisation, the exterior material discipline one has to accept if one is to be part of an organisation.
P was making all kinds of gestures and movements and then began to dance wildly. What was this force?
Some material energy, not hostile.
Will material energy manifest in this form or is it that P made it to manifest in this form?
Material energy manifests at present in many ways – motor-accidents, fires, Russian dances etc. What do you mean by “will manifest”?
I noticed D doing certain uncontrolled actions. Is he possessed by some hostile force?
He is possessed occasionally.
If it is a possession by some hostile force, why should it go to him only?
Because he accepts it.
When there is such possession, does it take place by his calling it consciously into himself or there is something in his nature of which he is not conscious that invites this force?
It is something in him that invites it and his will does not say No, or does not say it strongly enough. In other cases the person welcomes it through his ignorance or ambition or for some other vital satisfaction.
Does the hostile force enter though Mother has put her protection around him?
Not if the person remains in the protection.
When the protection is around him how does a person get out of it?
By desire, wrong thoughts, wrong actions, wrong feelings, by revolt, pride, ambition, lust or any other vital indulgence.
Today I have tried to draw human figures from this book. If I try these figures will it be helpful in learning portrait drawing?
No, except for drawing the line. You could copy things with more variety in them.
About the last picture you said “colour should be less hard”, that is to say, colour should be light?
No, it meant that the colours jar a little with each other, don’t harmonise. Besides, they are too plain and obvious.
I saw a beautiful lotus and inside it a coconut. The lotus was not quite open but one after another the petals were opening.
It is the Consciousness opening, with the offering to the Divine within it.
Why did you not tell X that it is a mistake to interpret the Mother’s smiling or not smiling, putting her whole hand or a finger only, as a sign of pleasure or displeasure or of this sadhak’s good or bad condition? It is quite a mistake. It is when the Mother is very much absorbed or drawn within or in a trance that these things happen; sometimes it has happened that the Mother had not put her hand at all on the head of one of the best sadhaks with whose condition she was most pleased. This is a thing everybody must understand; X should put out the old idea altogether. It has been explained to many sadhaks who made the same complaint and now they are all satisfied. Explain it to X.
I begin to feel sleepy whenever I want to read or write or study. Why?
It is because the body needs sleep; and so when you concentrate on reading or writing it turns the concentration into sleep.
Is there any possibility in me of doing something creative or original in drawing or painting? If so what should I do?
Go on studying and it will come of itself at its own time. You are progressing rapidly.
I would like to know what I have to do to develop my drawing.
Try to look at things for a long time till you have an impression which you can keep in your mind. Then come back and reproduce the impression you kept.
I find painting very interesting but also very difficult.
You have the capacity. You have only to be steady in your endeavour.
Today I was very much disappointed in drawing and began to get suggestions for giving up the whole thing.
There is no reason for any such disappointment. Most of your work has shown that you have an innate capacity. As for failures, an artist learning his art has no right to be discouraged even by a hundred failures. Everyone has to go through them and it is by the failures that he learns, and ends by finding what not to do and how to get his technique.
Today, by Thy Grace, I was able to do something. How do you find the picture?
It is very good. It is not usual for a beginning to be so good. You have a sense of composition; you must develop it.
About 20 days back I saw a flame of fire coming out of a lotus. At that time I thought it was only my imagination. Today I see something like that on the cover of the book The Mother. I have tried to draw it. Has it any meaning?
It must be the fire of aspiration rising from the opened consciousness towards the Sun of Truth with all its colours (forces) around it.
I have neither the urge nor the enthusiasm to draw or paint, for some time now. What should I do?
If you stop for some time (not forcing yourself), it will come back.
Today again I got pain. Why do I get pain like this?
You must be careful to lie down enough, stretched out. The body needs that position of rest to keep in full strength and health.
Does pain or illness indicate something wrong?
Not necessarily; it may be merely something wrong in the body.
Day before yesterday I had asked something for copying from Mother. But I did not get any answer. Is it better for me to give up this drawing? Perhaps there is no possibility in me.
I forgot to take Mother’s answer in the hurry of the work. Mother is giving you a painting to begin with; you can try with water colours. Or if you want a human face, Mother can give.
Will you say something about my work? What is the defect and what change I must make in my attitude?
Mother says you are doing your work perfectly well; so you need not worry thinking it has defects.
Though I feel I have full faith I think there is some part that still has not got faith.
All the parts do not get enlightened at the same time; the subconscient parts are slow to change, but they change in the end.
I could not draw exactly what I saw in the vision. Does this drawing mean anything?
It seems to be the fire of aspiration towards the Truth (the Sun) supported by the Divine Presence and lifting up the nature towards the just visible Sun of Truth.
There is a feeling of sickness around. I have a heavy headache. What is it all due to? There are so many sadhaks who are sick at present.
It is caught by one person from another or from the atmosphere. It is largely an auto-suggestion.
Is it true that because the 21st [February] is coming near, those who are unable to bear the pressure are falling sick?2
No, that is all nonsense.
I prepare the juice for the day as follows:
Morning – 8.15 a.m. – 1 tumbler – 5 1/2 oranges
Afternoon – 1.15 p.m. – 1 tumbler – 5 1/2 oranges
For Sri Aurobindo – 1/4 tumbler – 2 1/2 oranges
Now I would like to know how much juice should I prepare for the night to put in the thermos?
When there is no other fruit like grapes or pomegranates, then put 1 1/2 tumblers. Otherwise 3/4 tumbler.
Mother, I came to know that Sri Aurobindo waits for one hour for the soup to get cooled and then takes it – if that is so, I would like to know from Mother whether it is necessary to boil the soup (which is generally ready by 2.30 p.m.) at 9.30 p.m. and keep it covered under a tea-cosy (as it is being done every day). If it is not necessary, then only Mother’s soup can be boiled?
The soup in the evening is very rarely too hot to be taken immediately as you bring it, as now, as I go for my bath and I go one hour afterwards as the bath takes three quarters or more and I do a little work before I go to eat. So no change need be made. If it were not boiled or covered it would be cold soup – I prefer it warm.
I want to know from my All why Mother is not pleased with me, my work and my progress. This feeling that she is displeased makes me very uncomfortable and I get the idea of going away from here. I know how difficult it is for me to stay away from Mother. What should I do?
Mother is not displeased with your work or with you; there was no such thing in her mind. But the progress of no one here is complete; there is, as you know yourself, still much to change and from time to time the Mother puts a pressure that it may be done. You must not take that pressure for displeasure. As for going away, you must yourself realise that the suggestion can only come from a hostile source and you should not allow it to dwell in you for a moment. Mother is quite ready to tell you in what points more progress is necessary, though I think you must for the most part know it yourself. Especially she wants you to be more guarded in your speech. You are in a special position and one of great trust and whatever you say is taken up and commented on, so you must be careful that nothing should go out from you which ought not to be said or known. To talk less and not be too unguarded in your speech should be a part of your discipline of sadhana3.
Keep yourself open to the Mother and in perfect union with her. Make yourself entirely plastic to her touch and let her mould you swiftly towards perfection.
My child, your work is what it has always been, worthy of the trust we have put in you and you need not worry at all about that. But be very careful to let no influence diminish your confidence in me and allow nothing or nobody to separate you from me.
Mother, my Gracious Mother,
Now I do not feel there is a veil between you and me. Mother, by your special Grace the veil has been removed. Now I feel one with you, as before. Mother do not take away this experience.
It is all right. There is no reason why you should not keep always in union with the Mother. It is your natural relation and much more than an experience.
When I came up at 8.30 p.m., S was sitting on the stairs facing the door which opens inside. He asked me whose footsteps were being heard? Who was walking inside? I said to him that I did not know. Mother I would like to know whether my answer was all right.
Yes, certainly, they have no right to ask.
After receiving the last letter from you I felt my outer consciousness turned within and with this inward turn I felt myself calm and peaceful and more gathered within than before.
Mother, I pray to Thee to make me entirely free from any other influence except Thine. I would like to know how to make myself entirely plastic to Thy touch? I do not quite understand the meaning of “Thy touch”.
Touch means the contact of Mother’s force and its influence.
If you allow no other influence, you will easily become plastic.
When will my inner eyes open? Kindly tell me what is the chief obstacle in my way.
Do you mean the inner eyes which see the Divine face to face?
There must be a complete consecration of everything to the Divine without allowing pride or any kind of attachment to intervene.
This morning at pranam time I saw a very small baby standing in front of me with a very happy cheerful face and carrying on his shoulders a pot of water which looked too heavy for a baby. He offered me water from the pot and said: “Take this water, Mother will again fill it up.” I took it and saw to my surprise that the pot was being again filled up; nobody knew how it was filled up; it was like magic. When the baby said that the Mother would fill up the pot again, I was very much impressed by the simple faith of the baby and his being conscious of the Mother, young as he was. I wish to know the meaning of this from Mother.
It was your psychic being.
The three oil paintings done by Mother were getting spoiled by dust; they were removed to my room. If Mother approves I shall be glad to have them hung on the wall of my room.
Mother thinks you should leave them where they are. Mother does not like to have new nails on the wall.
The chit for an orange for Seetha, which Mother left for me on 23rd, was wrongly read by me. I read Sudhir in place of Seetha. As I happened to meet the Doctor I showed him the chit and asked him to read it. He read it and went on insisting and at last convinced me that it was Sudhir and not Seetha. I trusted him thinking that he knew better English and was used to reading Mother’s handwriting in his notebook which he sends to her, giving information about sick people. But when I received another chit enquiring about the orange for Seetha I learnt my mistake.
That is how people (the doctor in this instance) make mistakes by having preconceived ideas in the mind. He jumped at once at the idea of Sudhir having an orange – so he saw all the reasons possible for reading Sudhir – and also all the impossible reasons.
Mother, I get pain in my knee, ankle and back regularly. Sometimes I am unable to stand, even for five minutes. In the winter it becomes acute. I do not understand how and why this pain comes to me so persistently.
It is rheumatism, probably hereditary – it will go with the transformation of the body.
Mother, I suffer from constipation. So I am taking lime juice regularly. But nowadays I get only one instead of the usual two limes daily. That too is a very small one. Can I have one more?
Mother can give you one from hers.
If one went to the Himalayas, the likelihood is that one would make oneself fit for inactive meditation and quite unfit for life and the Mother’s service – so in the next life the character would be like that. This is simply the influence of old ideas that have no application in this yoga. It is here in the life near the Mother, in the work itself that one must become fit to become a perfect instrument of the Mother.
During my resting time unexpected work sometimes comes up such as the untimely arrival of a parcel, distribution of fruits, etc. Under these circumstances which of these things can be dropped in order to rest between 3 to 4 in obedience to your orders?
Certainly, you do your work in the true spirit.
But if you don’t think of yourself and Mother is not thinking of you, who will think? That is why she was insisting on your rest. What you should do is to remember Mother’s wish about your resting in the afternoon and do it as much as possible. Mother does not insist strictly on your sleeping all the time from 3 to 4, if that is not possible.
My All, Mother Gracious,
Early morning I saw a vision and I tried to represent it in this painting. Does it have a significance?
The sun is of course the Truth and the building is the material consciousness that has become capable of receiving the light. The flowers indicate our presence in the material consciousness.
Some people are permitted to stay and encouraged but they are unable to stay and go away. Some even if they want to go are unable to go. Why is it so?
Impossible to answer generally, for each case is different and needs its own special answer.
I do not understand why I am becoming more lazy day by day. I pray Mother may kindly let me know.
Why do you say you are lazy? We don’t see any sign of it.
I say lazy because I was feeling like that. Formerly I was daily bringing to you my drawings but nowadays I am unable to do it. Is that not laziness?
Does not this go by periods very often – sometimes doing, sometimes not doing? That is hardly laziness.
I do not know what is the meaning of the phrase “Advanced sadhaks”. I suppose this simply meant that he had been here a long time and had long practised sadhana.
In winter I get pain all over my body and in some places it is unbearable. In my fingers swelling appears periodically. I wish to know whether there is an end to this pain and suffering or I have to go through it indefinitely?
You must keep a constant faith that these things must go and call in the Force to cure them.
Does it carry any meaning?
It is simply that the material consciousness must become more receptive.
Today though I saw you near the table I did not stay there thinking that I should not take Mother’s time, as even a minute is very precious to you. I went away. Did I do right or wrong?
Champaklal, the intention was good but the movement was a mistaken one. These few seconds do not take away the Mother’s time and they are the two moments when she has also a contact with you. So you must change nothing with regard to these, but go on as before.
D keeps the door of the staircase wide open while talking to L. Even when D goes inside to fetch something for L she leaves the door open. This morning I happened to open the door when L knocked. In spite of L’s request to leave it open, I closed it, saying that I shall send D.
I would like to know whether I have done anything wrong in closing the door.
It is safer to keep the door closed, but you can explain to L that it is not for her, but the Mother wants it shut so that others who are indiscreet may not arrive and rush in.
P was telling me that if Mother’s portrait of me is left as it is, it may fade away and that it would be better to have it fixed with fixing solution. I like to know from Mother what she would like me to do.
No, it will not fade; it is pencil, not charcoal and there is no need of fixing it.
When I look into the portrait more and more, my figure disappears gradually, and finally I see instead of my portrait Sri Aurobindo’s portrait before me. Mother, what is the meaning of this?
You see Sri Aurobindo behind your being – supporting it.
Ma chère Mere,
What did you see in me this morning? After Pranam, when I looked at you, you did not smile at all. Why?
Mon cher enfant,
What I saw in you was as usual very good and it seems to me that I smiled as usual also – at least that was my intention. But if I was not smiling, it must be that I was still deep inside as during meditation.
With my blessings.
Les cartes sont très jolies. [The cards are very pretty.]
I am sending one back. I would like you to draw a rose in the corner.
With love and blessings always.
Last night I had this dream: There was a huge workshop where many people were working. The road leading to my destination was very long, but there was a short-cut through the workshop. Hence, I requested the owner to allow me to go through it. He said there was absolutely no room inside, as people were working and the passage was full of gunny bags etc. It seemed a mere excuse, so I persisted and finally, despite much reluctance, he agreed. He sent a man to show me the way. After a long walk we came to a secret exit at the end of the workshop but something like two or three walls blocked the way though, to my utter surprise, a road could be seen going through them. Suddenly, I saw a woman approaching us from the other side. I was surprised how she got inside while our way was blocked. My escort hid himself as soon as he saw her. I felt that he wanted to arrest her, so I warned her through signs which he could not see. So she climbed up a tree and started breaking something; my escort did not like this and asked me to go back. But I requested him to permit me to go ahead and finally he asked me to go with him. He led me along a secret passage through a couple of walls and asked me to sit down in one place. I felt that it was his last secret passage and he did not want to show me. I thought it was the last barrier as I could hear the noise and movement of people on the road on the other side. I sat for a while and when I looked up, I saw a man turning a key. The yellow ceiling, which was gigantic, got separated into two parts. Slowly, the ceiling began to shake. The ground under me felt hollow. I thought all this was due to some mechanical system. What would be my fate if the ceiling were to crash? This thought scared me somewhat. Right then, the whole ceiling came down trapping me in a magic dome, leaving no way out for me. I was terribly frightened but only for a moment. For immediately, an attitude grew in me which may be described in the following words. I prayed to Mother and Sri Aurobindo: “If I am sincere and if I have faith in you, may this dome collapse.” Immediately with a big sound, a path opened for me. When I got out, I found myself surrounded by many people who exclaimed, “Wonderful change! Wonderful change!” My whole body had undergone a transformation and become god-like. I experienced enormous peace and Ananda. Though I remained very calm and steady, I was overjoyed. What does all this mean?
The workshop is probably a symbol of the activity of the ordinary nature which is so full of formations and activities of the ordinary kind that it is difficult to pass through it to the inner or the inmost being.
The walls with the spaces between indicate the different parts of the being to which the outer mind has no access,– possibly, the inner vital (the woman may be the occult vital nature), emotional etc. The ceiling (yellow) may be the intellect or thinking mind which walls one in and prevents [one] from getting into the open spaces of the higher consciousness. But through all a way lies to the open way of the higher Consciousness full of peace, light and Ananda.
In a dream some time back, the path that I was to follow was very long and arduous. I came across a number of intricate by-lanes which confused me. I could not find my path despite many attempts. Finally, I looked up. I saw the Mother very high up. From there, she sent a rope down for me. After a while, I found that it was not a rope, but white light – a luminous, straight road going up. I then realized that instead of struggling here and there, I should have looked up, as there is a road going straight up. I wrote this dream yesterday, but it came earlier. What does it mean?
It is a symbol of the difficult seeking in the mind, vital and physical which one goes through until one looks up to the higher consciousness and follows the way of the Mother’s white light – then the road becomes straight and luminous.
I would like to know whether Sri Aurobindo and Mother liked the badges distributed today and the figure-heads of Sri Aurobindo and Mother on them.
No. Mother is not distributing; they are given by P.A. Subramanya Ayer4; only he asked that they should be given by Nolini as he could not distribute them himself.
Since a few days I am getting severe pain in my legs so I informed Mother. I wrote to her because it had become unbearable and also because Mother had told me to keep her always informed. Yesterday she enquired about it and I think she said, “It depends on something.”
No, Mother did not say that. But you were quite right in informing us.
Mother only asked if there was some reason for the pain; she meant a physical reason, catching chill or some strain of extra work etc.
To Champaklal with our blessings.
Your flowers are very pretty. Surely I hope you will do some more.
D asked me yesterday, “Wouldn’t it be better if Motibai continued washing Sri Aurobindo’s dhoti?” She said that she has also spoken about it to Mother, and Mother had said “Yes, it’s better.” Mother, is this true? Have you said so?
Motibai feels badly the stopping of the washing and they also like badly to have the washing there as well as the ironing. As for your washing, Mother thinks you have an immense amount of work already and why should you take more especially as it is a work that keeps your hands in water which is very bad for your rheumatism.
I do not understand my present condition. I am puzzled as to where I am going, what am I doing? Please guide me.
I do not quite know what is the drift of your questions. It sounds as if you had been allowing yourself to be influenced by a vague and confused atmosphere of discouragement and barren questioning which has caught many in the Ashram. Otherwise there is no ground for any such feelings. Where you are? In the Mother’s presence here and close to me. Where you are going? Towards union with the Divine through dedication and service. What you are doing here? Service and self-giving to the Divine. The rest depends, as the Mother writes to you, on the simplicity and fullness with which you give yourself and serve. If there is anything more special in your thoughts that has disturbed you, it is better to say clearly what it is. But do not listen to the thoughts spoken or silently suggested that are moving about the Ashram, and of which I have spoken, for these are a poison that will only bring discontent and depression.
I am very much astonished by your questions. Are you not here to serve the Divine and are you not actually doing it? It is when you are doing it in all simplicity and full-heartedly that you are nearer to the goal.
Beware of hostile suggestions or dangerous talks which make your mind restless and blind your consciousness.
Our love is always with you.
Even though I know that I am very near to you and Mother by Thy Grace, why do I still doubt whether I am progressing or not?
It is the doubt that most or many are raising now in the Ashram. “Where am I? Where am I going? Am I really doing the Yoga? it seems to me I am getting nothing. There is no progress anywhere. All is dry and mechanical. What is the use of being here?” These are the thoughts that have been moving about in the atmosphere of the Ashram and when you get such thoughts, it means that they are coming to you as suggestions from the atmosphere. If they are in the minds of those you move with, it is natural they should try to enter you, but even otherwise they can come to you, just as people catch cold because the germs are in the atmosphere.
At times I feel I am working mechanically without faith and devotion, so why stay here? At times it seems such thoughts are false.
Your attitude is all right, but evidently you have allowed your mind to be clouded by the suggestions of which I have spoken above. The feeling of having lost all one had is one of them; the feeling that all is mechanical and uninteresting and it is no use being here is another. Of course they are all false. When one listens to the suggestions, then things begin to appear like that. These suggestions are natural to the ignorant physical or body consciousness in human nature, just as suggestions of vital passion and disturbance are natural to the ignorant vital consciousness in human nature. You had vital reactions but you did not allow them to overcome you or make you think yourself unfit for the Yoga, because you relied upon the Mother and did not yield to the contrary vital Force. Here also you will have to have constant reliance on the Mother and reject the suggestions of the physical consciousness in the atmosphere when they come.
I talk as little as possible; I avoid going out. This is why I feel these things arise from within myself.
Quite wrong. I have explained how they come.
Why do I rejoice only when Mother smiles at me or gives a special opportunity? I ought to rejoice in all situations. If after living so many years near you and her I still feel this – I am not worthy of being here.
It is a very strange logic. Even among those who have made the most progress or been always the closest to the Mother, this or similar feelings still recur. It is not that they have not to be overcome, but to argue from their persistence that one is unfit to stay here is to make a large conclusion on a very small basis. This is again the kind of suggestion that comes in from the surrounding physical Ignorance. Things like these last so obstinately because they have become habits or recurrent feelings in the external physical being; they will disappear when the external being becomes filled with the Mother’s light.
A vital reaction means a response of the vital to the touch or pressure of an idea, action, event, person or thing, e.g. if someone speaks something you do not like and you get angry, that is a vital reaction. Or if a woman passes and you feel sexual desire, that is a vital reaction. Or if something unpleasant happens and you get a depression, that is a vital reaction. Most disturbances of the consciousness are due to vital reactions, though the mind may assist by wrong thoughts and judgments and misinterpretations. There can be good vital reactions as well as bad, but the term is usually applied to those that are undesirable and have to be surmounted by the sadhak.
The ideal condition is that of a calm, clear, strong vital free from the reactions of the vital ego and responding with true and high feelings only that are acceptable to the spiritual will and the psychic being.
Is it possible for an advanced sadhak like H not to feel need to meet the Mother physically? Is it necessary for him to stay in Pondicherry to do Yoga?
At present H is outside the Ashram, not in it. That has been arranged by him for reasons of his own, but with the consent of the Mother. As he is outside the Ashram he is no longer under the Ashram rules and Mother does not control his actions, nor is it necessary for him to take her sanction for what he does, unless it concerns the Ashram in any way. He comes to see her every Wednesday. It was in order to be near her that he remained in Pondicherry and also so that he might be under her immediate protection as far as possible in the new conditions. Also if and when he overcomes the difficulties he feels, he wishes and hopes to come back to the Ashram. This is the situation for the present.
In the dream I had, on the first floor of a building, Mother was sitting with some sadhaks she had selected and were close to her. I too was there. Everyone was in a jovial mood and Mother was distributing nice things. Suddenly P came there even though he was not invited. He looked very sad, angry and disappointed. He held both my shoulders and started ridiculing me. Mother did not like this. After a while, I saw that she was no longer there. Then P too left. At once I got up and went into a nearby room where I saw Mother was standing on a kind of platform. P too was there and was about to attack her. As soon as I saw this, I rushed forward, caught hold of him and brought him down. When I went to catch him, he tried to frighten me by showing something like a knife. Undaunted, I held him tightly and took him away. He wounded me, I started bleeding but did not bother about it. I was happy because I had overpowered him. Even after the dream was over, the effect of the fight remained on my body. Does all this mean anything?
It was not P himself, but a force which took his figure, a force of discontent and dissatisfaction and externalisation from the inner consciousness. This tried to touch you and hold you after coming in though unwanted into your (and others’) intimate relation within with the Mother. As the Mother disapproved, it tried to attack her, but your inner being (psychic, inner mind, inner vital) threw itself upon it and pushed it out and continued fighting with it so as to drive it away. The effect on the body means only some difficulty in the external being caused by the adverse force during the fight.
What is the difference between happiness, joy and delight?
Happiness is a condition of gladness, sense of inner ease and welfare, contentment, sunlit life – it is more quiet in its nature than joy and delight.
Joy (harsha) is more intense. It is a strong movement of great gladness with an exultation; a leaping up of the vital to take some happiness, good-fortune or other thing pleasant to the being.
Delight is an intense joy or an intense pleasure in something or an intensely joyful condition. At its most intense it becomes what is called rapture or ecstasy when one is “carried away” or “lifted out of” oneself by the intensity of the delight.
An inner (soul) relation means that one feels the Mother’s presence, is turned to her at all times, is aware of her force moving, guiding, helping, is full of love for her and always feels a great nearness whether one is physically near her or not – this relation takes up the mind, vital and inner physical till one feels one’s mind close to the Mother’s mind, one’s vital in harmony with hers, one’s very physical consciousness full of her. These are all the elements of the inner union, not only in the spirit and self but in the nature.
… This is the close inner relation as opposed to an outer relation which consists only in how one meets her in the external physical plane. It is quite possible and actual to have this close inner relation even if physically one sees her only at pranam and meditation and once a year perhaps on the birthday.
What is the difference between quietness and calmness?
Quietness is when the mind or vital is not troubled, restless, drawn about by or crowded with thoughts and feelings. Especially when either is detached and looks at these as a surface movement, we say that the mind or vital is quiet.
Calmness is a more positive condition, not merely an absence of restlessness, over-activity or trouble. When there is a sense of great or strong tranquillity which nothing troubles or can trouble, then we say that calm is established.
What is confidence in the Divine, faith in the Divine and trust in the Divine?
Faith is a general word – sraddha – the soul’s belief in the Divine’s existence, wisdom, power, love and grace; confidence and trust are aspects of faith and results of it.
Confidence is a feeling of sureness that the Divine will hear when sincerely called and help and, that all the Divine does is for the best.
Trust is the mind’s and heart’s complete reliance on the Divine and its guidance and protection.
About my getting pain, Mother, you said, “It depends on something”. It depends on what?
I think it was not recently that Mother said that but a long time ago. She meant that it was the bondage to the physical consciousness movements (physical mind, physical vital) which prevented the response in the body and only the rule of the psychic that could remove them.
Since so many years, I am living in close contact with Mother, feeling constantly her abundant Grace, having deep intimacy and closeness with her, yet I have not control over my irritability which keeps coming up even in her presence. Is this ungratefulness or unfaithfulness on my part?
No. But these things need a very constant and prolonged effort to get rid of them if they are to disappear, as they have strong roots in the nature. You must especially be careful not to let the mind support them by any justification, e.g., that the other person behaved badly or was in the wrong, so your reaction was right or natural. The reaction must not come, whatever others may say or do.
I have learnt that H has left this place. He had very great love for Mother and Sri Aurobindo and had very beautiful experiences. Then why is it that he could not face his difficulty?
How did he show this great love? By his poetry? A man must be judged as a man and a sadhak not by what poetry he writes but by what he is and does.
If such an advanced sadhak had to go what about myself?
Are you a person like him? Have you his difficulties and do you know what they were? Then why reason from his case to yours?
I have heard that Mother had said that only a person like him who has had every kind of experience in life can alone do real surrender – and not a child like R.
I have heard that a handful of persons will remain at the end. This also seems to me to be true; is it so?
Heard from whom? And why should it be true?
If you wish you can try R’s treatment but it is only if you keep the faith in the Divine power to cure that any treatment can be successful. So you must keep that as the main thing and use the treatment only as a secondary means and a subordinate help.
Mother, this picture I have done without any help.
It is a good attempt (the sky is rather heavy).
Love and blessings to my dear child.
Mother, I tried to draw light without obscurity, but could not succeed; the flower is spoiled.
It is not so bad. If you give a little shade of crimson lake it will be quite all right.
Yesterday it was written about my lotus drawing as “full of light”. May I know what it means?
There is a luminosity in it, in the colouring.
I heard that Sri Aurobindo has written that X may start and attempt to do something in music or art. But if it be not the Divine’s will to manifest something through it, that person will not be able to produce anything of worth or merit. He may produce either something which is better than nothing or give up the attempt after some time. I pray my gracious Mother to kindly let me know precisely what is her will with regard to me and whether I have any capacity to express something of her through the art. Should I continue my attempts in it?
Yes, you must continue.
I am not able to do drawing or painting steadily every day. I get the feeling that I am not competent to do it; it is not in my line. I see X has progressed much and is able to produce fine pictures even though he has not learnt or studied much about art from others. He has a special capacity for it. Probably that is lacking in me and so I am not making any progress nor am I able to work at it steadily. I would like to know from Mother whether what I feel is true.
No. It is true that X has an instinctive artistic sense but also he has spent much time on painting and given much attention to it, so he has progressed fast. He has also great self-confidence.
The artistic sense can be had by training – the capacity you have, but it has to be brought out more and more and disciplined by study and practice. By development you will get self-confidence.
The dream was very long. I am writing below only a small part as I do not remember the whole. I travelled a lot by a carriage drawn by a tiger. Suddenly, the tiger became uncontrollable. I was alone in the carriage. In spite of all his efforts the driver could not control the tiger. The carriage halted abruptly in a vast garden. I saw a branch of a tree hanging just above the carriage and I climbed on it immediately. The driver failed to control the tiger so he cut the reins and set it free. Then it started climbing up the tree on which I was seated. As soon as it came up, I grabbed its head and with both hands firmly pushed it down with all my strength. It went down and my eyes opened.
Even after waking up, the effect was still there on my body.
Does this have any meaning?
The tiger indicates violent impulses. The carriage probably indicates some part of the vital which is subject to such impulses – getting into the tree means probably getting into a higher level of consciousness from which it is easier to repulse the tiger.
I wanted to go to my room at 10 p.m. There were still eight minutes to go, so I rested on the terrace. During that time I saw this dream.
D was running towards a pond. He deliberately jumped into it but wanted to show that he had drowned accidentally. So he dropped a handkerchief and a letter on the bank to give the impression that they had fallen there by chance.
Mother, I would like to know why I saw this? I had absolutely no idea about him.
It is evidently one of the formations made by a hostile Force which goes round trying to touch people with thoughts of suicide. Why it should have shown itself to you at that moment in connection with D, is not clear – possibly it just crossed by chance. Anyhow, it has no importance.
After living here for so many years I have still no control over my anger. I hear that there is a medicine for it in homeopathy. Should I try it?
If the irritability were the result of an illness (nervous or other), it might be treated by homeopathy, but this is not that. It is one of the folds taken from the beginning by the vital-physical nature; these are extremely difficult to eradicate and usually the last things to go. But they can be cured only from within and not by any medical treatment.
X wants to learn music. Can she learn from a violinist from the town?
Surely not violin; the way in which violin is played here is simply offensive. And to learn true violin, one must begin to learn when 8 years old. But if she finds somebody to teach her the Veena it is all right.
Since a few days, at dawn, just before the sun’s rays could reach and awaken me, some Rakshasas would come and carry me away to a pitch dark place. One day, suddenly, the light from the sun reached me in that place and I awoke. The demons could no longer enter there. My entire body was filled with Ananda.
It is the fight of the two consciousnesses – the wrong forces pulling to the dark levels, but the touch of the Sun of Truth intervenes with its light and rises where they cannot enter.
The dream of last night. There was water everywhere – difficult to say whether it was a river or lake or sea. A man had fallen in it in a place where it was not possible to swim. He was not in a position to come out. I had to follow the same route. On seeing his plight I was not sure how I could proceed. Somehow I managed to pull him out and thought I had saved a life. I asked him, “Why did you not call for any help? Would you not have drowned if I had not pulled you out?” He replied, “I have full faith in God – if He wants to save me, He would surely help.” He said it with such an ardent faith that even an atheist would have believed it.
Then I found another route and followed it. I had to climb a very high mountain. I do not know what happened to the people who were with me. I kept climbing up. Finally, I reached a place beyond which I could not go as there was no road. There were precipices in front and on the sides. I felt as if I had reached the sky. There was somebody behind me who resembled my elder brother Sunderlal. He held me in his grip and hung one of his legs over the precipice. I found it very difficult to balance myself as there was nothing in front of me which I could hold as a support. I told him that this way both of us would fall. He remained stubborn. I pleaded with him to leave me. When I woke up, I actually felt that I was saved from death.
The first part of the dream is an experience of the mental-vital plane and indicates the saving power of an absolute faith. The other shows the ascent to the highest levels of the earth consciousness, but there is still something of the old self and nature clinging and trying to pull downwards; it refuses to let go, but finally it has to fall off and the being can ascend without downward pull or fear of fall, into the skies of the higher consciousness above.
|Received from the Mother||2||13||0|
|I have purchased the following for the Mother:|
|1 teacups with saucers||0||8||0|
|2 boxes (cups & saucers) full set||2||0||0|
|1 box without tea-pot||0||6||0|
|Your child Champak|
|with pranam at your Lotus Feet|
How nice all these things are!…
Love & blessings to my dear child.
A few years ago I started painting relying only on Mother’s help. Later, in order to learn the technique I went to A and K on a few occasions. Somehow I stopped. Now there is an urge to continue painting. I pray for Mother’s guidance as to how I should start.
The best thing is to take something that appeals to you and try to paint it – not copying but from Nature, drawing of some subject that you fancy.
Nowadays I am always late and in a hurry and I am not giving you time as I used to. That is why I want to see you for a few minutes tomorrow. But instead of seeing you at 1.30 as Nolini said, I will call you in when I have finished with Arjava at about 2.15.
It is just to increase your receptivity that I want to see you all alone and quietly.
With love and blessings.
On the 1st of this month Madame Raymond came to see the fishes in my room. Later she insisted on seeing some of my paintings of lotuses, flowers etc. Seeing some pictures on the wall she expressed happiness that I seemed to be fond of Japanese pictures. Today she has sent me these pictures. I find it delicate to receive them; delicate also to return them. What is the best thing to do?
You must accept – there is no objection, as it is the custom in Japan to make presents like that; to return them would not be at all proper.
For the past few months I get the idea of going from here. Is it from you? If it is Mother’s wish I can go.
Your ignorant child, Champak, with Pranam.
No, it is a hostile suggestion trying to send you away because your presence is most helpful and necessary.
I hope you will dismiss this wrong suggestion altogether and think no more of it. Your place is near us and you must stay here. With our love and blessings.
The generosity of your absolute self-giving will bring to you the revelation of the generosity of the Divine’s Love.
(I once received a telegram from someone who was in great difficulty. I sent it to Mother for reply. Sri Aurobindo wrote):
Keep faith quietude openness to divine power. Ashirvada.
Today it was the day of changing the pillow-cover on Sri Aurobindo’s bed. I have come to know that Mother has said that Sri Aurobindo uses only one pillow. So I change the cover of the pillow every day. I would like to know about the dhoti on Sri Aurobindo’s bed, when should I change it?
3 days or so.
Mother, I wish to fold all the mats of the big room on 15th August as usual. Can I do it Mother?
Yes, you can.
Bansidhar is asking for work on the 15th. Do you want him to help you in this work?
It is better not to put milk in the soup. Prolamine must not be cooked in milk according to prescription. If you want to make the soup better add some more vegetables in it.
These extracts are from Sri Aurobindo’s letters to sadhaks who later provided me with copies. – Champaklal.
Chinmayi – Usual work wiping in Sri Aurobindo’s room.
Champaklal – Sweeping the corner room and the toilet room.
Rajangam – Sweeping Sri Aurobindo’s room.
Bansidhar – Sweeping central hall. Cleaning toilet room window and Sri Aurobindo’s windows.
The dream about Chandulal and the bandits was a happening in the vital world or else a symbolic scene witnessed there. In the first case, the bandits are vital beings attacking the work,– in the second, hostile forces, suggestions etc. The one thing clear in it is that Champaklal is a prompt and effective fighter on the vital plane.
Mridu is quite mistaken in thinking Champaklal is greedy; he eats much too little and works enormously hard. If he wanted the prasad, it must have been because it was prasad and not as food for the stomach and palate.
Champaklal is very busy and has no time, that is why he must have done it. One case is not a habit and need not raise the bile.
All have their defects – but Champaklal has great qualities to atone for it. One has to look upon all with calm and charity and not get disturbed by other people’s disturbance.
Mother! I was seeing in a dream that Champaklal is wearing a soldier’s uniform, and one gun also is in his hand. What is the meaning of it, Mother?
Champaklal as a soldier means that he is a warrior in the vital field against the hostile forces.
I was wondering what would be the effect on me of a rebuke for some mistake of mine. I think Champaklal, Chandulal and Amrita do sometimes get rebukes from you, but I am sure their trust is not shaken because of that.
Of course not. They get it frequently, especially Amrita and Chandulal. Formerly they would sometimes get upset (especially Chandulal), but that was long ago. Now they have learnt to take it in the right way.
My Sweet Mother,
Champaklal and Kamala are painting so well but I am not making progress. What should I do?
Champaklal has a natural talent already developed to an unusual degree. As for K she did very poor things at first and took a long time to develop – now she does well. So you need not be discouraged – painting is not learnt as Rome was not built in a day. Only you are a little irregular – sometimes doing very well, sometimes falling back into what is less good. You must try to do always your best.
November 22, 1949
About 9 a.m.
This is what Mother said to André. As Amrita too was present at that time, I asked him to write it down and later showed to Mother. – Champaklal.
In introducing André to Champaklal, the Mother said with a great warmth:
He came here when very young. I taught him many works. He has taken up the works personally concerning Sri Aurobindo. Practically he looks to everything with regard to Sri Aurobindo. He is very particular about details. He is extremely careful, meticulous.
He has no regular time for food – he eats it when he can. So it is with his sleep also. This is why he is not able to join the sports activities.
He works with devotion and joy.
He collects all our little things and keeps them with great care – our clothes, nails, hair, etc.
The above is a correct transcription.
With my blessings.
In a case like Champaklal’s the psychological factor is at least as important as the physical one. I doubt whether to be taken away from the house would be good for him.
As for the food, he can have here all that is needed and of the best quality. What is necessary is only somebody who takes the trouble to know what is needed for him and what he must take. And from what is called Mother’s kitchen, it will be got.
Champaklal is much better this morning and the food properly arranged.
1 Incomplete in the manuscript. [M.P. Pandit’s note
2 This I had asked because there were many sadhaks who said it. But I myself did not believe it. – Champaklal
3 The problem I had then with speaking is now [1980s] with communicating in writing. And yet this writing continues! – Champaklal.
4 Ayer, principal of a school in Madras, had made special badges for distribution on the 25th anniversary of Sri Aurobindo’s arrival in Pondicherry.