The Mother

Agenda

Volume 1

Undated 1956

(Letter to Mother from Satprem)

Pondicherry

Sweet Mother, here is what has been happening in me almost every evening: I am literally like a bundle of compressed force that somehow can neither explode nor settle down and dissolve. The heaviness in my chest is such that I breathe with difficulty, as though all the blood in my body were converging there, oppressing me. In my head, the pressure at times is so intense that I dare not even close my eyes or concentrate further, for I feel it could crack. My entire being is so tense and filled with force that it seems it could break physically.

Is this perhaps a dangerous state? Or else is it normal? I would like to know whether this feeling that it could physically crack is a good sign or a bad one. If it is a bad sign, what can be done?

There is certainly some resistance in me, something that fundamentally says “No,” and I am mentally trying to remain calm, unrebellious, but deep down it resists. I am not at all in search of “powers,” but is this negative condition enough to avert accidents? Could you enlighten me? What can I do against this deep-rooted resistance?

Your child,

Signed: Bernard

P.S. I sleep more and more poorly.