March 27, 1961The Mother
Agenda
Volume 2
March 27, 1961
(Mother brings along a note she had written the same morning concerning a meditation with X, the tantric “guru.”)
“The extreme subjectivity of experiences is very disconcerting.
“Yesterday, while waiting for X, I was as usual in communion with the Supreme in his aspect of Love. Suddenly I felt X arriving and spontaneously, like a Veda, a movement of gratitude for his great goodwill arose from my heart, and it was formulated as a prayer to the Supreme: ‘Give him [X] the bliss of Your Love and the joys of Your Truth.’
“For a long time X has said nothing about his meditations with me, but just yesterday he told N. that he had some difficulty at the start of the meditation due to the presence of an adverse force, and it took him five minutes to overcome it!
“Evidently he was in a completely different state of consciousness....
“But....”
And for me the experience was so clear! So lovely and so spontaneous! And it's the first time – at the very beginning of our relationship, I had often concentrated on X to thank him for what he had done, but this is the first time it came like that: such a sweet, sweet atmosphere, so luminous, so radiant. Then in the afternoon N. tells me this [that an adverse force was present in the atmosphere]!
I had felt NOTHING. Nothing.
You know he said someone has been doing black magic against me; but I have never felt anything of the sort in the room where we meditate, because I make a point of coming half an hour early and this of course clears the atmosphere: everything is always ready when he arrives, in silence, in perfect peace. Hasn't he always told you that when he comes into that room he enters another world, like Kailas? ...1 And that's the way it has always been. If there has been a change, it's that now it's even more like that – because (how to put it?) it's more stable. Before, it fluctuated a bit: it came, went, came.... But now it's like a tranquil mass (Mother lowers her arms) that doesn't stir. Yesterday in particular, this was the experience: I felt him coming (when he is about to come in, I always sense something drawing me outward a little so that I won't be completely in trance and can stand up), and this prayer came so spontaneously, oh!... And then (laughing) in the afternoon N. tells me, “Oh, X said he had some difficulty at the start of today's meditation – a hostile force was present and it took him five minutes to clarify the atmosphere!”
It gave me the impression you get in outer life: all the pieces more or less dovetail but with no inner unity – there's not ONE thing, not one, that is true, essentially and always true. We know it is like that outwardly, of course; but I have always felt that with people who have an inner life, one could attain a kind of identity of vibration and knowledge – but no!
“Very well,” I said, “if that's how it is....”
All yesterday evening I was wondering, “Is it ... hopeless?” That's obviously not true, I know very well it's not hopeless. Yet what does it need to be different? Clearly nothing less than the supramental transformation. Well, there's still quite a long way to go.
I was under the impression, for example, that when I thought something (not actually “thought,” but when I had an inner perception) X could receive it; particularly when I had such a feeling for him and summoned the Force, made the Force come down, my impression was that he knew it!
But if it's like that....
It's not encouraging.
Ah, no! I didn't feel encouraged.
Because truly... it was truly the best I could have done for someone! It came so spontaneously! And then (laughing) he comes in and feels a hostile force!!
He was evidently on another plane entirely.
What ruffles me is that someone like X, who has worked on himself, ought to have felt it. Why do I feel it? Because since I have been doing all this work on my body, it senses things and it is never mistaken. I have had repeated proof that it is never mistaken. When a higher vibration comes, it feels it right away! But I must say that this has only been the case since the body became very universalized. However, I was under the impression that X must have been somewhat universalized to have the powers he has, but now I don't know....
It's not that I was disappointed by his way of being, certainly not; but it has suddenly confronted me with a terrible problem: “Is it impossible to live a truth in material consciousness? Is it really impossible? An absolute, I mean an absolute truth – not something entirely subjective and relative, each one living his own truth in his own manner. Will one person always be like this and the other like that and the third like something else? So that only by putting all the pieces together do we actually amount to anything – and yet to what?! Is it completely impossible for absolute truth to manifest in the present state of Matter?” This is the problem that has seized me.
Why? Probably because I was ready to face it. But it has been posed so intensely.... It was so intense that it was painful.
It reinforces what the old Schools have always taught – but Sri Aurobindo rejected it! Sri Aurobindo told us precisely that the Truth could be lived IN material life.... Of course, there must be a change of consciousness, but I thought....
(silence)
My body's consciousness has changed – that much I know. Not totally, of course, but enough to feel that there's no separation, that vibrations are unpartitioned – there are no partitions! And I felt this very strongly with X: that when we were face to face in meditation there was no longer any difference between us, that this Vibration I was feeling – this Vibration of a strong and very solid, very balanced peace – was the same for him as for me. I didn't feel that I was here and he was there. I had only to shut my eyes and there was no difference between us. (This doesn't happen just with him: I feel it with everyone; but I am aware of how it is with others, I can sense why they don't feel it.) But I was under the impression that he, at least, would have felt it – I must have been mistaken! This incident came to tell me I was mistaken.
Still, it surprises me.... Because sitting in that room, one has the feeling (I say “one,” it's probably... I don't know what it is), I thought he had the same feeling I did: oh, it could last an eternity! It's like that: tranquil, tranquil, peaceful, balanced, strong. On other occasions there was a kind of movement: it came, went, came, went; but this time... (Mother stretches forth her arms as if time had stopped) and I am like that (not the “I” here, the “I” above), I see it like that. Then just as the clock is about to strike, when the half-hour is finished, something comes and tells my body, “Now!” A tiny shock, and two or three seconds later the clock strikes. I always feel beforehand, “Now it's over.” Otherwise there would be no reason for it to end – it's so peaceful! And not something diluted, as it were, but strong, compact. Compact. Then that tiny shock and the body comes to attention: “Ah, I'm going to have to move!” And always after about two seconds, the clock strikes. I open my eyes, look at X and wait. Three or four seconds later, or after a minute or two, he opens his eyes, bows to me and gets up. Then I get up. It's always the same. So I don't know why.... I don't understand what goes on in his consciousness. I no longer understand.
I'm not so sure about what he said to N....
(Laughing) Neither am I!2
He doesn't speak about these things with N. Perhaps N. has confused two different times or.... Because Xs way of expressing himself can seem very vague when you don't know him well, especially when it concerns time and place. This attack may not have occurred during the meditation with you, but beforehand or elsewhere.
I don't know, because N. said quite categorically: “X told me that on arriving for this morning's meditation he had some difficulties and it took him five minutes to get over it; an adverse force was present.” N. was quite positive and I even made him repeat it. “Are you sure,” I asked him, “that it didn't happen when X came to you?”
“No,” N. replied, “X met that force THERE.” He said THERE! Yet that it could have been there, with all the force, light and peace that descended... is incomprehensible to me. Because the first thing I do when I sit down is to make a thorough cleaning.
It ruffles me because it's like a negation of my power. Till yesterday I had never experienced anything of the kind!... On the 29th, you know, it will be forty-seven years since I first came here3 – that's not -exactly yesterday! And ever since I began working with Sri Aurobindo, I have had the sense of this Power, it has never left me; so.... It is disconcerting to have this kind of episode come up after such a long time.
I'll try to speak with X and find out exactly what happened.
That risks a terrible misunderstanding; be careful. Perhaps he won't even remember what he said anymore. It's difficult with X because he doesn't say things with his mind – it just comes like that, and then he forgets. You know how it is. Something may have made him speak. For instance, I know that with N. he almost always says unpleasant things about people and situations and this entirely results from N.'s atmosphere. I have told N., “He speaks like that because of your inner attitude.” To one person he will say one thing, to another something completely different on the same subject – it depends a great deal on who he's talking to. No, I haven't told you all this for you to speak with X about it, I have told you because... it has posed a serious problem for me.
It's best to wait and see. I put a certain force into that note I wrote this morning (I wrote it at a very early hour) and you know that a “formation”4 is created when I write; I willed it to go to him – and he may have received it. We'll see what happens. It's better not to speak of it because it might... speaking is too external.
On other occasions (as I have told you) I had difficulties with X on the mental plane; now all that has cleared up, cleared up very well. But this present situation is on another plane, so let's wait. Perhaps... probably it will clear up.
(silence)
I probably needed the experience.... You remember that type of detachment I spoke of when I had that experience – when the BODY had that experience [of January 24, 1961] – well, it has increased to such an extent that it now applies to anything and everything linked with action on earth. This detachment was probably necessary. It began with something like... things dissolving (Mother makes a gesture of crumbling something between her fingers); certain kinds of links between my consciousness and the Work were dissolving (not links with me, because I don't have any, but with the body; the whole physical consciousness, all that attaches it to the things in its environment, to the Work and to the entourage – I spoke to you about that in regard to physical immortality; well, that's what is happening now). It's like things dissolving – dissolving, dissolving, dissolving. And it's more and more pronounced. During these last days, things have been becoming increasingly difficult – difficulties have been coming one after another, one after another. Formerly, I had the power to get a grip on them and hold them (Mother tightens her grip as though mastering circumstances); but now that this type of detachment has begun, things drift away everywhere – everywhere, everywhere....
So this episode with X is probably part of the same process. What has been affected is a certain confidence in the REALITY of the Power, the REALITY of spiritual action; there seems to be no communication between here (above) and there (below).
Does that mean you're breaking all contacts with the earth?
No, that's not it. Things go on. I don't know, I have no idea. I can't say exactly what it is, but.... It's a.... Don't know. In any case, it seems obvious that the NATURE of the contact must become very different. Because in proportion to this detachment, the reality of the Vibration – and especially the vibration of divine Love – keeps growing and growing (out of all proportion to the body, even) in a FORMIDABLE manner, formidable! The body is beginning to feel nothing but that.
Is this detachment necessary, then, for divine Love to be established? I don't know.
Yes, it's as if I were living, as if the BODY were living (despite all the illnesses and attacks, all the ill will besetting it), living in a bath of the divine vibration – bathing in something... immense – immense, immense... limitless, and so stable! The body lives in it like this (gesture as if Mother were floating).
So even when there is what we call physical pain, even when there are blows to morale (like having a cashier ask you for money and you have none to give him5), well, despite it all, despite all the possible complications (coming all at the same time), EVERYTHING, everything that happens now, even things which seem extremely unpleasant to our mental conceptions or our mental reactions, everything is a bath, a bath of the vibration of divine Love. So much so that if I didn't control my body, I would be smiling at everything all the time like an idiot. A beatific smile for everything (I don't show it because I control myself).
(silence, the clock strikes the hour)
No, no: do not brood about it. Let it be, it will work out. It will work out the way it has to work out.
X is sensitive mentally, but to what degree? And to what degree do things crystallize differently for him because of all his ideas?...
We'll see.
(silence)
But you know, it's no joke, this transformation!
(silence)
Yesterday I had such a strong feeling that ALL constructions, all habits, all ways of seeing, all ordinary reactions, were all crumbling away – completely. I felt I was suspended in something... entirely different, something... I don't know.
(silence)
And truly, with the feeling that ALL one has lived, all one has known, all one has done, all of it is a perfect illusion – that's what I was living yesterday evening.
And then....
It's one thing to have the spiritual experience of the illusion of material life (some find this painful, but I found it so wonderfully beautiful and happy that it was one of the loveliest experiences of my life); but now the whole spiritual construction as one has lived it is becoming... a total illusion! Not the same illusion, a far more serious illusion.
If That was not there.... Obviously, That [divine Love] is here, like a mattress placed so you won't break your neck when you fall. That's precisely the feeling: this experience of the vibration of divine Love is the mattress... so you don't break your neck!
So, petit, don't brood; whatever your difficulties may be (laughing), you can tell yourself they are only beginning!
And I'm not exactly a baby; I have been here forty-seven years, and for something like... yes, certainly for sixty years I have been doing a conscious yoga, with all that memories of an immortal life can bring – and see where I am! When Sri Aurobindo says you must have endurance, I think he is right!
This path is not for the weak, that's for sure.
I believe this body has suffered as much as a body can bear without going to pieces, and it keeps going, it has never asked for mercy – not once has it said, “No, it's too much,” not once. It says, “As You will, Lord: here I am.”
And so it continues.
(Mother gets up to leave)
Well, I'm never going to tell people that it's just a promenade! No, it's nothing like a promenade. Some say, “Oh, you're too severe!” But too bad for them; it's better to tell the truth, isn't it?
We mustn't get discouraged.
The absolute certainty of the Victory is unquestionable; but I am not speaking at the scale of our bounded mind. It's up to us to CHANGE TACK – this is what's expected of us, to change tack and not keep going round in circles.
There you are, petit.
It's a process of tempering, you know – we get tempered.
And there's no point in giving up, because it would just have to be started all over again next time. What I always say is: “Here's the opportunity – go right to the end.” It's no use saying, “Ah, I can't,” because next time it will be even more difficult.
1 A region high in the Himalayas, also known as the abode of Shiva.
2 Note that N. will try to be the future “proprietor” of Auroville. Already Mother was surrounded by lies on all sides.
3 On March 29, 1914.
4 In the occult sense, a “formation” signifies a concentration of power or force directed towards a particular goal. it is like a bullet of force going inexorably to its target. In fact, all beings are constantly making “formations” with their thoughts and desires, but these formations have scarcely any power other than that of clinging to the one who has made them or returning upon him like a boomerang.
5 The following undated note (which could date from this or any number of other times!) was found among Mother's scattered papers: Now the situation has become very critical, all the reserves have been swallowed up, there are debts, many important works remain unfinished and the daily life has become a problem. It is the subsistence of more than 1,200 people which is in question.