The Mother

Agenda

Volume 3

March 6, 1962

So, how are you?

I don't know at all where I stand.

You're neutral.

Yes, I understand nothing at all.

You're neutral – dull. That (laughing) makes it hard for you not to get irritated!

Why? What has happened?

Oh, nothing (Mother laughs), nothing in particular. Just the feeling that you'd jump if someone touched you!

Really, I don't understand anything any more. I don't understand. I have absolute faith in Something Else – that's always been there, it doesn't waver. But... there seems to be no progress. I see nothing ahead of me, nothing behind me, nothing. I don't know, I've already been here a good number of years and I don't feel I've made an inch of progress, nothing – I see nothing. Not that I'm losing faith, that's my only reason for living; without this certainty of Something Else, I would kill myself. But practically speaking....

There are periods like that.

But there's nothing to show that you're progressing, to give you confidence: “Ah, yes, I'm on the way.” Nothing.

This in itself has to be conquered; I mean, the state in itself represents something to be conquered. Because... you remember, I told you the other day about having such a tremendous experience in the body-consciousness¹ – this... this dull consciousness in the material world, which really gives the feeling of something inert, unchanging, incapable of responding; you could wait millions and millions of years and nothing would budge. And that experience came at the end of a rather critical passage – it takes catastrophes to get it moving, that's what's so strange! And not only that, but the wisp of imagination it does have (if you can call it imagination) is invariably catastrophic. Whatever it anticipates is always for the worst – the pettiest, meanest, nastiest kind of worst – always the worst. It's... really, it's the most sickening condition human consciousness and matter can be in. Well, I have been swimming in it for months, and my way of being in it is to go through every possible illness and to have every possible physical aggravation, one after another.

Just recently, as I told you, things truly became a little... disgusting, dangerous, and for an hour or an hour and a half I did a sadhana like this (Mother clenches her fists), keeping hold of this body and body-consciousness. And the whole time the Force was at work there (it was like kneading a very resistant dough), something was saying to me, “Look, you can't deny miracles any longer.” It was being said to this consciousness (not to me, of course), this body-consciousness: “Now you can't deny it – miracles do happen.” It was forced to see; there it was, gaping like an idiot being shown the sky – “Ah!” And it's so stupid that it didn't even have any joy of discovery! But it was forced to see, the thing was right under its nose – there was no escaping it, it had to be admitted. But you know what, mon petit, as soon as I let up on the pressure – forgotten!

I remember the whole experience, of course, but the body-consciousness forgot. The slightest difficulty, even the shadow or the recollection of a difficulty, was enough for it to start up all over again: “Oh... oh! Now what's going to happen?” The same old anxieties and stupidities.

So I realize that we have to keep on trying.

What's annoying, though, is that in order to shake it all up, I have to go through some pretty bad moments physically. So don't worry, I understand how it is for others! I myself never lose either consciousness or contact with... not with Knowledge, but with the total EXPERIENCE of identification. Only here in Matter does the work have this particular nature. So I understand how it is for people who live heedlessly from day to day, from minute to minute, for whom it's not a constant, permanent work of each second, totally conscious and deliberate.... And besides, this body is so willing – the poor thing, sometimes I have found it crying like a child, imploring, “How do you get out of this mess?” That's exactly why all the people who have achieved the inner realization have called this work “impossible.” It's their own impossibility! I know it's not impossible, I know it will come, but... how long will it take? That I don't know.

My feeling is that if you try to hurry, to rush, to speed things up a little, it jams, it becomes like stone – it turns to stone again. It took the stone a long time to become a man.... So I don't want that. You can't get too impatient – it's not even impatience, but pressure. Beyond a certain pressure, it turns to stone. So I understand people who attain realization and, blissfully enjoying it, kick the whole thing out: “Fine, I'll do without it!”

That's what has always happened.

But I can't do that.

What I always do is say, “Well, all right...” (I say this to the Lord with a smile), “if You have now decided I should leave, I'll go willingly.”

If He ever gave me a slap, that's when I'd get one! I can feel it even while I am saying this.

It's simply to ensure that the consciousness is in a state of perfect equanimity; I mean, whether things turn out like this or like that leaves me completely indifferent: what You will – spontaneously and integrally and exclusively – My Will. I say “My” Will on purpose, to show total adhesion. It's not submission, it has nothing to do with submission; it's like this (gesture of total abandonment). Well, in spite of that, there's not much progress.

Although sometimes, yes, all of a sudden.... Take this example (it may seem a mere trifle, but when you have reached this point...): the first sudden glimmer of conscious control over a bodily functioning, giving you a glimpse of the time when everything will function through the action of a conscious will. That has begun – but it's a tiny, tiny, tiny beginning. And the slightest mental intrusion from the old movement spoils it all – I mean the old way of behaving with your body: you want this and you want that and you want to make it do this and you want to make it.... The minute that pops up, everything stops. Progress comes to a standstill. One must be in a state of beatific union... then one can feel the new functioning begin.

But it has become such a delicate play! A MINUTE thing, minute, can throw everything out of gear – one simple ordinary movement. If through habit you slip back into the ordinary functioning (these are infinitesimal things, not easily seen, subtle, tenuous; one must be very, very, VERY alert), if this happens, the whole new thing stops. Then you have to wait. Wait until the ordinary functioning consents to stop, and that means meditating, entering into contemplation – going over the whole path again. Then, when you have caught hold of That again and can stay there for a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes (it's marvelous when it lasts a few minutes).... And then it gets jammed again and everything has to be done over.

I am not saying this to discourage you, but to tell you that one must really and truly be patient. The only possible way to do it is in a sort of passivity: not to WANT the result – WANTING the result brings in an ego movement which spoils it all.

I have been telling you for a long time that we are VERY close – for a long time.

So when people ask me, I say (to tell them something), “We shall see.” It's certainly not that I don't know; I know perfectly well how it will be. But (laughing) I don't know when! That, I don't know. Even at this point, I don't know when.

In fact, if something wants to know when, then it's still in a hurry.

No, you have to be a saint, mon petit! (Mother laughs and laughs.)

(Satprem grimaces)

Yes, I know – neither am I!

I used to say the same thing. When Sri Aurobindo was here I used to tell everybody, “I am not a saint and don't want to be a saint!” And look what has happened to me!

You have to be an unsaintly saint.

Without an ounce of saintliness.

You know, all those little rules we're enjoined to follow: “Above all, don't do that; and be sure to do this, don't forget that....” Like ablutions, for instance, or attitudes, or what to eat – there's no dearth of them. A mountain of do's and don'ts – all completely swept away! And swept away to the point where sometimes a rule, something highly recommended (“Be sure to do this, be careful to do that” – an attitude or an action) becomes an obstacle. I hardly dare say it, but one example is having a regular schedule – always making ablutions at the same hour, always doing japa in the same manner and so on. And I am perfectly aware that Sri Aurobindo himself puts all sorts of trivial obstacles in my way – obstacles I could hurdle with a single second of reflection; he sets them up as if in play. Do you remember the aphorism where he says he was quarreling with the Lord and the Lord made him fall in the mud?² That's just what I feel. He puts a stick in my spokes and laughs. So I say, “All right, that's enough, I don't give a hoot! I'll do whatever You want, it's not my problem; I can do it or not do it, do it this way or that....” It has all gone up in smoke now.

What has become constant, though.... I shouldn't say it, because it's going to get me into trouble again! But anyway, what's trying to be constant is DISCRIMINATION: taking all circumstances, vibrations, relationships, what comes from the people around me, what responds, and putting each in its proper place. A second-to-second discrimination. I know where things are coming from, why they come, their effect, where they're going to lead me, and so on. It's growing more and more frequent, constant, automatic – like a state of being.

That's about the only place where progress is really visible. I hope the fact of having spoken won't get me into trouble again!

But impatience and irritation.... Well, if it makes you feel better.... Some people need it as a safety valve – but it makes you lose a lot of time.

One day I was all tensed up; things had become so “intolerable,” as people say, that something in the most material vital went into what's usually considered a fit of rage (it was totally under control – I mean it was working as a safety valve and being observed as such in all its vibrations). I was alone in the bathroom, nobody to see me; I grabbed hold of I don't remember what and smashed it on the floor!

Aah, what a relief!

So there you are.

But what are we supposed to do in the meantime? What?

I'll tell you what I do: I say to the Lord, “All right, if that's how it is, well, I am not doing anything any more; I am resting in Your arms and waiting.” I actually, concretely (I was about to say “materially”) do it – and then I don't stir. “You will do it all, I am not doing anything.” And I really stay like that. Immediately, of course, there's a great joy and I don't stir.

For instance, I am completely snowed under with material work, letters, people, matters to arrange and decide, big things to organize, all of it falling on me from every side and trying to take up all my time and energy. At times it really gets too much. So when it's too much, I say, “All right, Lord, now I will nestle in Your arms.” And there I am, no longer thinking, no longer bothering about anything, and... I go into Bliss. Usually after ten minutes everything is fine!

The trouble is, the mental mechanism isn't there any more. Before, with the mind working, I would take up this thing or do that thing, but now I don't let it function, so there's nothing to make me move!

Absolutely. But it's a big progress.

Not necessarily! Maybe there are things I should be doing.

No.

No, it's a big progress, an immense progress.

All right then; but I feel as if I'm doing nothing...

Yes.

... except the bare minimum, which I do because it has to be done; otherwise.... I have no desire to stir up the mind, I want something else.

Naturally! Thank god, I tell you, it's an immense progress. You should be delighted.

Yes, but on a material level I'm doing nothing.

What does it matter!

You can lie down on a mat, look at a flower or a patch of sky if there's any to see; if need be (teasingly), smoke a cigarette to keep yourself busy, and just stay like that, relaxed. And if you do your pranayama along with this “relaxation” you will notice yourself growing extremely strong – storing, storing, storing up energies. And then if you have to make an effort, there's nothing to it – it's as easy as pie.

It's that old habit, the old fear of being lazy. It took me.... But Sri Aurobindo cured me of that rather quickly. That's how it was before I met him. And that's the first thing he did: he gave me a tap on the head, and all activity ceased – total silence, all mental constructions and habits swept away... in the blink of an eye.

I was very careful not to let it come back.

Then, afterwards, well....

He mentions it when he explains mental equality³ – that a state is reached where one is unable to initiate any activity; only the stimulus of an impulsion from above can move you. So you do nothing, you just stay like that, perfectly immobile in your mind (not only physically – especially in your mind): you don't initiate anything.

Before, the mind was always creating, setting actions, wills and movements into motion, producing consequences; and it's very frightening when that stops – you feel you're becoming an idiot. But it's quite the opposite! No more ideas, no more will, no more impulsions, nothing. You act only when something makes you act, without knowing why or how.

This “something” doesn't come from below, of course, it mustn't come from below. But that condition can truly be achieved only when all the work below has been completed.

¹ The healing of Mother's legs: “Now, O unbelieving substance, you can't say there are no miracles.” (See conversation of February 24.)

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² Aphorism 463 – At first whenever I fell back into sin, I used to weep and rage against myself and against God for having suffered it. Afterwards it was as much as I could dare to ask, “Why hast thou rolled me again in the mud, O my playfellow?”...

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³ In The Synthesis of Yoga.

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