The Mother

Agenda

Volume 3

May 27, 1962

(Concerning the “wave movement” in the experience of April 13.)

...What I say there is quite true. When I don't observe, formulate or explain, the state is absolutely tranquil, peaceful, contented, sufficient unto itself. And out of it, I can see that something will definitely emerge.

But as soon as I try to make it emerge, it all fades away – meaning it isn't ripe yet.

It's a very impersonal sort of state in which that whole habit of reacting to outside things, the things around me, has completely vanished. But nothing has come to replace it. It is... an undulation.

That's all.

When will it change into something else? I don't know.

You can't, you just can't try! You can't make an effort, you can't try to find out, because intellectual activity immediately comes in, and that has nothing to do with it.

So I have concluded that it's something one must become, something one must be and live.... But how? In what way? I don't know.

Well....

So – what about your book?

(The subject here is a letter, no longer extant, in which Satprem expresses his desire to go write his new book¹ in the Himalayas, far from present circumstances. These circumstances included poor health, but mainly, lurking behind, was the violent and almost physical inner wound caused by his break with X. The idea was to go away for “a change of air.”)

(With an ironic smile) On the meandering path of the world, this trip doesn't look too bad! For you personally, it's an experience that... yes, that would give you a concrete sense of the vanity of a number of things that still.... You see, throughout all one's lives and all of life's circumstances, there's one thing after another, one thing after another, one thing after another (zigzag gesture)... to remove the scales from your eyes.

(silence)

For Sujata it's not quite so simple. From a strictly external standpoint, I have no doubt that it would be both pleasant and instructive. But Sujata is in a rather special relationship [with me] – in fact, she does the yoga without doing it; I mean she benefits automatically from the yoga that Sri Aurobindo and I do. And this would risk being damaged.

I don't say for certain; I don't know. But there is a risk. Anyway... as I said, from the external angle, the being would certainly be enriched.

From the collective viewpoint, of course, the work would be greatly inconvenienced: even if we could just manage to finish the Bulletin for August, the November Bulletin would be in real jeopardy.

And as for the Agenda, well... it would simply stop, that's all, for the whole time you're away. I might also have nothing to say, I don't know. It could be that I won't have anything to say for two or three months, or even longer. I can't say. I don't know what's going to happen to me – I mean happen to this whole collection (Mother indicates her body), this collection of bodily experiences and research. I haven't been told anything – I don't try to know and I don't know. So I will probably have nothing to say. On the whole, that's how it looks to me.

There is no definite answer in the consciousness.

Recently – these last few days in particular, because of this business with X – I've been seeing the two persons that are in you. One of them is far more real to you than the other, because it has been given more expression; it is more realized, more conscious of itself, and it's something you know well. The other being doesn't yet have the power to direct (how shall I put it?)... to openly and consciously direct your destiny. That's why you might still find yourself wandering in labyrinths.

For the moment I am in a seemingly neutral state – all I can say is, “We'll see.” There is no definite “no” and no definite “yes” – there has been no definite approval, but there hasn't been the “no” that says, “It's impossible.” So it looks like that eternal “We'll see.” How long will it be till we see? I don't know. It may be a few hours, a few days, a few minutes – I don't know.

This trip would not be an opening upwards, a flight towards a higher realization – that, no. Categorically no.

But that's not what I was after!

It is the labyrinthine path through the circumstances of physical life.

That's just as clear as can be.

But the reason behind the idea was my physical condition. I hadn't thought of Sujata at first; I simply saw... I don't know. I'm tired all the time, it's true. My reserves are all used up. Anything extra exhausts me. And on top of it, there's also a discouraging psychological state.... For one thing, my nights are totally unconscious – the mind turns round and round and I can't sleep. My meditations are always the same.... You know, the feeling of nothing, nothing, nothing. So I think the cause of all this lies in the kind of physical life I lead.²

A lack of vitality.

A lack of vitality, too much tension; I don't know – maybe the climate saps me. A certain number of physical things making it.... Anyway, that's what's behind the idea.

What you're asking of Sujata is nothing short of sacrifice. Not outwardly, perhaps, but it would be a sacrifice for her. She would be sacrificing something to you, something very precious.... To help you she would have to sacrifice her own realization. Well, that in itself has a place in the spectrum of realizations.

I understand.

She would inevitably come into contact with other people.

If I do go somewhere, I am determined to have absolutely no contact with anyone. I don't want to be social.

(Mother keeps silent)

I can't say.

But what's behind my totally unconscious nights? Behind the total absence of anything at all in my meditations?

(After a silence) That's something you have to sense for yourself, isn't it?

I know the reason, but....

But really, unless you experience it yourself, it will strike you as a kind of... fairy tale. And not a very pleasant fairy tale!

If you could just give me a hint....

(After a silence) Among those who have gone beyond the stage of needing successive reincarnations to develop their psychic beings, among those whose souls are conscious, fully developed, there are some who (what shall I say?)... who are chosen or destined to participate in a certain terrestrial action. And in the process of reincarnation, there is always... always some degree of confusion and disarray, you see. I can speak of my own case, if you like; despite every precaution, certain kinds of confusion couldn't be avoided... and of course this complicated the work. It was the same for Sri Aurobindo. And all this confusion sometimes greatly disrupts the work.

But there are a certain number of beings – not many – who have come back on earth ONLY to take part in a particular work, in a particular way. And outer things, personal and individual things, are virtually sacrificed to that. Certain faculties, for instance, whose source is the higher entity, faculties that in an ordinary life would result in a measure of power or fame or success or realization, are placed under conditions where their outer effect is subordinated to the needs of a particular work.

Let me put it to you more clearly: your physical body, for example, should have been either stronger or more supple or endowed with certain very strong vital compensations, so that you wouldn't suffer from your working conditions.... Of course, for someone following a yogic ascent, whose soul is in the process of formation, the external conditions of life are normally what is best for inner development, whatever that may be – even if, on the surface, those conditions aren't good. So the only advice you can give such a person is, “Well, either renounce the spiritual life or else put up with it.” But that's not your case. There is a Mission, a work, and a kind of gap between a certain physical formation and that Mission. So if you ask me plainly what I see, I can tell you plainly, instead of saying as I would to certain sadhaks or anyone sincerely wanting to do yoga, “Take it or leave it; you must learn to transform yourself inwardly to the point where you can master the body and its needs.” I can't tell you that, because that's not how it is for you.

I mean it may be – it may be – that even an inner transformation (a complete conversion of the vital being, for instance) wouldn't necessarily bring an improvement in your health. It is here where.... It's not something I see imperatively. And to go back to ordinary life would be the end of everything – of your physical life and your inner life too.

I have absolutely no desire to do that!

That's quite obvious – you've had the experience.

But it may not be unimportant to take a few precautions and make use of certain external aids. That's why I can't say, “Don't mind your body – just keep going and everything will be all right.” No. Spending two or three months in the mountains, for example, might help you. It might. But I don't see anything, mind you; I don't know.

And this blockage in my meditations – is it also due to this special “work”?... I have a sort of feeling that I've already had those yogic realizations, you see...

Yes, of course!

... and that it's all closed to me now. I feel there's a knowledge I've already had, a vision I've already had...

Certainly.

... and that it's all.... Well, I feel I'm in exile – you see what I mean?

There is a LINK missing.

So when I wake up every morning with a black hole where my night was, I wake up discouraged. “What's the matter with me!” I wonder.

Yes.

That's where the physical side....

It is in the vital, mon petit. Something happened while you were being formed – your vital isn't strong enough.

You know, I am absolutely convinced that when I have found what I seek [the third position] everything will change for you instantly, like this (gesture of turning upside-down): snap! You won't have to make the slightest effort – it will be done just like that, in a flash. But meanwhile.... Meanwhile I want you to be healthy. If going to the mountains for a few months does you a lot of good.... Notice I say “if” – I am not sure of it.

I am sure that the only thing that would really do you good is precisely what you call the “unblocking” – your problems would be over.

Oh, yes! I'm convinced of it too.

You would be perfectly happy, and healthy besides.

But it's because of this blockage that the body wonders, “What's the matter with me?”

Maybe not. Maybe it's something in the body itself. That “maybe” is what makes me hesitate.

About the book, for instance – I don't know if it's tamas [inertia], but I constantly feel like sitting and doing nothing! Or doing a minimum of work just to keep me in touch – a bit of work for you, that's all, and then the rest of the time....

Yes, that wouldn't be so bad! That's something I understand quite well!

Externally, with this book I'm supposed to write, I would say I have no desire to do so.... Nonetheless, I've come to the point where I no longer pay attention to my “desires” or “non-desires”; but anyway, I can't say I'm enthusiastic about it.

No, it's not interesting for you. And that I can understand!

All the same... all the same, a kind of constant communication has been established [between you and me], and because of that, without even knowing it, you are in rapport with the experiences. And well... my experiences clearly don't impel one to action – not for the moment.

No, it's not that. No, the one thing I don't like is your physical exhaustion.

I tire quickly, I have no reserves, when there's just a little thing I am immediately.... And then other people – contact with other people exhausts me. Going to X's place was torture for me.

All right.

I will “look,” if you like.

I have told you what I saw right away.

I am going to look, and meanwhile we should finish as much of the August Bulletin as we can.

What I actually wanted to put before you is this lack of desire to write the book.

It doesn't matter, mon petit!

The one thing I really don't want....

Anyway, give me a few days and let's see if I get an indication.

I'm taking up a lot of your time....

No, nothing's binding on me – I have no more duties!

But it's true what you said – I'm quite aware of it. There won't be any more problems once that thing is unblocked.

That's right!

I feel sort of impatient because there is no bridge between something that I feel I KNOW and the physical life.... So I'm going round in circles. It's always the same.

A link is missing. There (gesture above) one knows, here (gesture into Matter) one doesn't know, and there's always the feeling that a change of place or a change of physical conditions is going to establish the contact.... It happens – true, it does happen: suddenly, flash! But it happens under ANY circumstances. It doesn't depend on outer changes. I know very well that nothing in either the climate or the living conditions here is absolutely intolerable – it's only our ideas about it, our mental reactions (mental and vital). But if there were just that joy, the joy of total opening, all the rest would be all right.

Yet it may also be that up there in the mountains, all alone with the mountains, it would suddenly come. It is possible – everything is possible. There is nothing that doesn't hold a possibility of truth.

Anyway, give me at least until Tuesday to look – I will tell you what I see.

Au revoir, mon petit.

¹ The book that became Sri Aurobindo or the Adventure of Consciousness.

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² With the work on the Bulletin and other Ashram publications, translating Sri Aurobindo, working on this Agenda, writing his own books and doing many hours of japa, plus other tasks besides, Satprem had been working something like fifteen hours a day (except when he ran off somewhere – and even then...) for eight years nonstop.

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